By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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