I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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