Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
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Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
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New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog