I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha