I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
