if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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