just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
