gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you would pick up someone in the library
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
