I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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