I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just high enough for therapy.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
