I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
