That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
