just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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