I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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