I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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