Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
