I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
