every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
