You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
