I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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