My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
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Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
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My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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