Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
