He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I will be naked everywhere
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
