I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
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We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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