I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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