Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
dude. I can hear the air.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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