I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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