burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
