No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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