Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
