yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
