if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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