Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
