i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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