Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
