i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Did I show you my penis last night?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
