My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
