I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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