dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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