my mouth tastes like poor choices
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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