She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
