take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
