i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
