im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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