In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
