i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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