Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That accounts for only three of the penises
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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