it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
