that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
