She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
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you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
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Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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