I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
