I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
