dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
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All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
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His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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