Can i not drive my cunt home
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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