My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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