can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
